Permanent Oblivion
by maysecret
Summary: Sheppard and his team have to deal with a unique case when someone on Atlantis is recovered from a kidnapping. The team is dedicated to helping her, but will they be enough? Has Shep angst.
1. Chapter 1

**Permanent Oblivion**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis. If I did, do you think it would be cancelled?**

**A/N: I am not a doctor, nor am I a psychologist. Xxxx means change in viewpoint. Please enjoy! (and review )**

**Beta'd by XX-Samantha-XX and Iratus (bunches of hugs to you dears)**

The rhythmic beep of the heart monitor stayed in time with the steady rise and fall of the young woman's chest as she lay unconscious in the infirmary's bed. Her face had numerous scratches and a large bruise on her right cheekbone, too low to be counted as a black eye, but still painful all the same. The nurses and doctors on shift were all in the background, but next to her bed stood a lone man. He had a watchful look in his eyes, one an older brother might have, but a look of guilt defined on his face. He had dark circles under his eyes, a sure sign of sleepless nights spent here or in bed awake, worrying.

"Ach, Colonel. You should be in bed." The chief medical doctor walked up behind the man, chiding him with his comforting Scottish lilt.

"I know, Doc." The man responded without taking his eyes off her.

"I can give you something that might help ya, son. You really need your rest." Firm determination to win this battle of wills filled the doctor's voice, making the colonel turn around.

"I can't sleep until she's going to be alright." The look of guilt had been replaced with a pleading look of a young boy looking towards a father for reassurance, even though the receiver of the plea was a few years younger.

"You know she's got the best care possible. You can't expect anything more."

"Alright." The weary defeat filled the poor lad's eyes and he turned to walk away, or so the good doctor thought. The stubborn soldier climbed onto an empty neighboring bed and let out a long breath. "Night Doc."

"Aye." The doctor turned and left, muttering under his breath, "Bloody stubborn, don't know why I get all these ulcers."

Before slipping away into well needed sleep, the colonel looked over one more time. Crossing his arms, he lay on his side, so as to face her, and then drifted off.

Xxxx

Pain. Intense, unbearable torment was her first and only thought she was capable of. Everything ached, throbbed, as if she had been... the word nor the picture would come to mind.

Darkness was the second thought. At least, what she considered darkness, what is darkness? Absence of light? From a distance something bright shown, leading the way out from the blackness, the depths. Trying to follow it, she felt movement along her eyes. Searing pain scorched them, or was it the nerve connecting to the brain?

Confusion was her final thought as her eyelids fluttered open, pupils slowly readjusting to restrict light, reducing pain. Refocused blue eyes peered up at the ceiling, then down along the walls, across the medical equipment and out to the other room. Where was she?

The decor was very obscure, different then... different from what? She twitched as her neck spasmed from staying in the same position too long. She looked down at herself, hardly recognizing the pale skin, the bruised extremities. One hand had a tube in it, taped in place. It didn't belong in her. She reached across with her right hand, it feeling odd and clumsy as she ripped the cord out from her. Pain and blood erupted at once along with electronic alarms. Another body sat up from the bed on her right, the hair on top wild, his eyes red. A sudden image of him holding a weapon, firing. Others falling, and death filled her head. He was bad.

She screamed, her vocal cords raw from lack of use, or was it too much use? She didn't know and didn't care. She had to flee. Scrambling backwards, she fell off the bed, her legs a crumpled heap beneath her, then the command to run finally reached them. Regaining balance, she stood, the adrenaline kicking in to give her the strength.

The man opposite of her held out his hands in a very placating gesture, and an image of him doing that same motion spun across her mind as another figure leapt out from her clouded memories. He opened his mouth and made gibberish come out. She backed away, tripping over a wire powering the monitors. Catching herself, she fled. He leapt forward to try to grab her, but she spun right and just out of his reach and out the open doors. Other men dressed in the dark colors came out of other rooms after her.

Her strides felt feeble, but with each pick up and put down of her feet, she felt the weakness ebb away and leave behind the vigor she once had. Knowing that it would only last a little bit longer, she had to put as much distance between them and her as possible. A long dark corridor seemed to be her only option now.

Her feet grew cold from running on the hard, unforgiving floors; sapping strength from her already limited source. Shivers raced up and down her spine, then down her legs and up to her scalp. They grew more violent the longer she ran until she collapsed. Fear crept over her as she struggled to stand, leaning against the wall for support when flashes of light lit the other end of the hallway. Standing up and turning to meet them head on, in a display of resilience and bravery that was only skin deep, if only to fool them into not taking her on. They caught sight of her, but didn't rush her way. She realized the bluff was up, a feral trepidation filled her, along with a despair when she saw there were weapons in their hands, not like the one from her memory, but ones that came with another kind of dread. Unable to place them made her all the more apprehensive.

They tried again to communicate but she couldn't understand the sounds. Frustration made her lash out in a frantic assault, only to have her arms caught by the first man she had set eyes on. His face impassive as he held her back, she struggled only to collapse into his arms as her last bit of willpower gave out and she faded back into the black she had just escaped from.

Xxxx

"What happened? I leave for 20 minutes and..." A man walked into the infirmary, hands carrying a tray of food, cutting off the colonel, his arms full with the girl. The doctor rushed up, stethoscope and portable scanner in hand, his furrowed brow displaying his severe concern.

"What was she doing before she passed out?" He asked as he helped set her down on the bed, making sure she was comfortable. Wiping the blood off her hand, he reached for the IV, then thought better of it, and put it away.

"It was as if she didn't know me, or understand anything I tried to tell her." Confusion filled the military commander's face.

"That doesn't make any sense. I mean, she obviously knows you. Why would she run?" The newcomer to the scene scrunched up his face in puzzlement.

"I fear that there are wounds deeper than the bruises we see." The doctor concluded with a nod of his head, worry filling his clear blue eyes.

"What, internal bleeding or..." The pudgy man interjected but stopped when his team leader's eyes narrowed.

"Amnesia?"

"Aye, that's what I think. But the way she reacted to your presence, I think you'd better not be here until everything gets straightened out."

The man's face fell, crushed from that realization, opened his mouth to protest. He didn't utter a sound, snapped it shut, and then strode out of the room.

"You too." The doctor faced the other man, standing between him and the girl in an unconscious protective stance.

"But she didn't..." He fussed; running his fingers through his thinning hair, jittery from caffeine or worry, the doctor couldn't tell the difference. He stood his ground and the impatient scientist left, muttering to himself how he was never appreciated for showing interest when he tried.

Turning back to his young patient, he looked her over, feeling for any new injuries or problems. As he ran his hand down her calf muscle, the trembling in them made him look up at her face. Her eyes were open and wide with terror.

"You awaken, my dear?" he said as softly as he could, trying not to scare her. He straightened from leaning over her, stethoscope hitting against his chest. Her eyes missed no movement, jumping from his face to the instrument and back. Her mouth opened, and shut. Not a sound came out. She stayed frozen in place, stiff and jumpy.

"Doctor?" A nurse appeared in the doorway, and it all went to Hades. Leaping up from the bed, she backed away. "It's ok." He tried again. Her eyes contracted, bewilderment filling them faster than the fear could. The medical doctor knew psychology was not what he studied, but if he didn't know any better, it was worse than amnesia, but as if her mind had been completely wiped. She didn't seem to understand him.

He looked back at the nurse and mouthed to her the need for a sedative. Turning back, he was surprised to see the girl creeping forward toward him. She looked as if about to speak, but all that came out was a whimper.

"I am here to help." He said, hoping the tone of his voice would carry the message to her, past the language barrier of sorts. He kept his hands at his side, not knowing if they would spook her or not. A tired dread filled her stance, and the doctor realized it was the only way she could communicate, through body language and eye contact.

She stared at him hard, and he had to struggle not to look away from the intensity of it. Most people dislike being studied, and he was one of them. A tear slipped down her cheek and with it, her defenses. She crumpled before his eyes, and he reached forward and caught her before she hit the ground. In his arms, her vulnerability touched his heart and he felt tears well up in him. He melted to the floor with her, holding her tight against him, offering as much security as he could. She curled tight against him, shudders running from her shoulders down.

A soft set of steps came up from behind them sending the girl quivering and pressing into him even more. He tightened his arms around her, hoping it would make her feel secure and not entrapped. She stayed put. Looking up, he saw the nurse standing there with a syringe in hand.

"Now, lassie, I'm not going to hurt ya. I just need to calm ya down a wee bit." He cursed himself for having to stab her with the needle, but plunged it into her thigh. A yelp of pain escaped, and she jumped, but didn't pull away from him. Within seconds the fast acting depressant had her going limp, eyes rolling back in her head. As much as it pained the doctor to drug her like this, it was for her own benefit before she injured herself or anyone else in the process.

Lifting her up and onto the bed, he glanced down at the restraining straps that were mandated to be on every hospital bed. He didn't want to tie her up, but if she were to react the same way when she awakened, he didn't know how to keep her calm. Deciding against it, he taped the IV back into her hand, noting that he was going to add a milder sedative to her drip. After making sure everything was in order and she was sleeping peacefully, he headed out to solve how to fix the young woman's fractured psyche.

Xxxx

_A chilled breeze wrapped around her at the foot of a stone newel staircase, a damp smell filled the air. Light danced its way down the steps but the source was hidden around the bend of the tower. Curiosity filled her and she started toward the source, ignoring the fear creeping up inside of her._

_Each footfall melted into the darkness, the phantom light cascading shadows everywhere. As she progressed even further, she saw a torch, already burning, mounted against the wall. It wasn't the source of the illumination, but she took the torch with her to light the rest of the way._

_Reaching the top, it opened up into a cavernous room, very dark and even the fire in her hand couldn't chase away the night. An open, full length window at the end of the room was where the moonbeams were playing into the tower, lighting it up and sending it down the spiral staircase behind her. It lit up a path over to it. The wind picked up and snuffed out the torch. She continued on driven by her inner curiosity to see out. Reaching the edge, she saw she was at the pinnacle of the highest tower looking out over the dimly lit land. A gentle gust of wind caught her hair, billowing out, making her feel free and unconfined. It was almost sweet to the taste._

_A footstep behind her made her spin around. It was the man from before, the one with the spiky hair, his weapon in hand aimed at her._

_Startled, she went to take a step back and bumped into something. Whirling again, she looked up at the most hideous face leering at her with yellow slitted eyes, and then it grinned and reached for her. Backing away, she heard the man behind her shift and shouted a command. She couldn't make out the words. Words! The evil creature rushed for her and she ducked under its outstretched hand and backed away as it pivoted to follow her, _

_She felt her foot hit the end of the ledge. There was nowhere to go. He lunged for her again, then arched as his back was hit by the weapon's projectiles. The ghastly monster fell against her and knocked her out the window. Falling, she knew this was the end._

_Xxxx_

_Thank you for reading. More will be posted tomorrow :)  
_


	2. Chapter 2

**Permanent Oblivion**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis. If I did, do you think it would be cancelled?**

**A/N: I am not a doctor, nor am I a psychologist. Xxxx means change in viewpoint. Please enjoy! (and review ) This chapter should answer some questions, but the story is long from finished :)**

**Beta'd by XX-Samantha-XX and Iratus (bunches of hugs to you dears)**

Strides long and determined, the leader of the expedition entered the briefing room, late for her own meeting she called to order.

"You're late." was the first thing spoken to her by Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard sitting slouched at the table. Flanking him were his two most loyal members of his team, Teyla Emmagen and Ronon Dex. The man pacing in the corner on his data-pad bounced of the usual Dr. McKay with too much caffeine coursing through his veins.

"I know, and I apologize for my tardiness." Dr. Elizabeth Weir didn't offer an explanation, she didn't feel obliged to. "Now the real matter we're here."

The scientist paused long enough to catch eye contact with his superior, and then back down at whatever he was fiddling with. The door slid open and Dr. Carson Beckett joined them.

"Sorry," he began, but when he caught the look in her eye, he became silent.

"What is your diagnosis of her?" her business tone hid her emotions from it all, displaying her efficiency as leader.

"Och, she's a troubled girl. From what I can tell, her entire mind, minus the subconscious of course, has been wiped. She has all of her motor functions and can obviously breathe for herself and such."

"She's got great reflexes." Interjected Col. Sheppard with a nod of his head.

"So I've been told. How?" Her stare settled on the anxious pacemaker in the corner.

"Well, we, uh, we don't really know. When we found her, she was already unconscious and we didn't have the time to collect the necessary data we needed." The scientist shot a glare at his team leader.

"We couldn't risk it. Infiltrating the lab took longer than anticipated and the window we had was closing."

"We'll never know, now will we? And the brains of it all doesn't have the information to fix it." Snapped McKay with his shrill voice.

"I'm sorry." The colonel's eyes narrowed.

"Alright everyone." Interrupted the leader, refereeing once again. "What do we know? From the beginning."

"The kidnap attempt occurred off world. The target was," the scientist waved his bandaged hand, "Dr. McKay. They only managed to kidnap his assistant at the time. The natives of the world we were visiting had seemed agreeable at the time, but there was a bounty on all Lantian personnel that we were unaware of. We traced, what is it called?" The Athosian leader glanced at the colonel who responded, "Paper trail."

"Which we found led us to yet another lab of Michael's." concluded Teyla

"She was unconscious when you found her?" asked Weir.

"Which we already said." bit out McKay.

"So, the memory loss occurred before all this, what caused it?"

Dr. Beckett spoke up, "I don't think we could ever know unless she remembers herself, which could quite possibly never happen. She's lost more than her memory; her whole mind has been reset."

"Like a computer that's screwed up. Reset to its original settings." The scientist surmised.

"Which is why she can't talk or understand." filled in the colonel, "But how can she walk? How far back is the reset status?"

"I've got a theory of that. There was a life support machine there. Michael either accidentally erased it, or was trying to retrain her and the brainwashing went wrong. She did have a heavy dose of tranquilizers in her system." McKay rambled on.

"Can we fix her?" Sheppard asked, trying to hide the guilt filling his face.

"We will certainly try." Beckett responded.

"Is she a risk?" Weir asked the one question no one wanted to ask.

"To Atlantis? No, only to herself, and anyone who frightens her into a corner." Beckett shot a look at Sheppard, who shrugged his shoulders in innocence.

"Paging Dr. Beckett to infirmary, stat." Announced over the comm. system.

Dr. Weir watched as the entire team emptied out of the room in seconds.

Xxxx

Colonel Sheppard paced outside the room, the scene he had seen before Beckett had closed the door had been heart wrenching, even for a military man. She had been sitting in the fetal position, rocking and clutching her head with an intense grip, as the tears streamed down her face. Her eyes still had that lost and confused daze look in them, and it was his fault.

He remembered how she had approached him in her quiet way and said something wasn't right about the people they were visiting. He had brushed aside her concerns as her lack of experience and nerves talking but within an hour McKay and she had disappeared. Racing to the gate to cut them off, they only managed to rescue him, through measures that McKay thought had been extreme. Getting shot with a wraith stunner to stop him in his tracks had been the only way to recover him.

A smile crept across his face as he remembered McKay griping about needing an assistant, but having burned his fingertips, he needed someone to be his hands. A quiet girl had been perfect, less talk equaled less arguments. But she was a smart as a whip. Sheppard had looked into her file since the disappearance. She had always been at the top of every class. How she found herself in the SGC was a story unto itself.

She never afforded a university. Her source of higher education had been the community college in Southern Oregon and hadn't planned on pursuing any sort of job in the scientific world. She just so happened to get talked into taking a physics class and ended up writing a report on quantum mechanics that impressed the teacher enough to enter it in the year end scientific contest without her knowledge. Upon winning, much to her shock, an Air Force colonel who happened to be there with her son, approached her regarding getting a higher education. A few strings pulled here and there and a scholarship, it led her all the way to the SGC.

And now, her mind was wiped clean.

Screams brought John back to the present from his reveries. The door slid open and she came running out right into him. Her eyes went wide with shock, and he braced himself for the meltdown to follow. He sensed recognition in her face, and then she backed away, but without the sheer terror of before.

"It's alright. We want to help. Help." He said slowly, starting to raise he hands when she flinched. He dropped them back down to his sides, watching as she stood her ground studying him. He saw that she had dropped weight, almost to the point of a gaunt malnourishment. Her skin had an unhealthy paleness to it, and her long brown hair was limp and stuck to her neck and forehead, it looking as if it hadn't been brushed in days.

"Help." He repeated, watching as her head tilted slightly, her mind seemingly trying to put the pieces together, pulling all the right files. Someone shifted behind him, from her flinch and the heaviness of the sound, Sheppard guessed Ronon was growing restless.

"Joh…" she started.

"That's right."

Xxxx

The soldier in front of her responded to her attempt at communication. Frustration built inside of her as she couldn't recall any other words or sounds to say. She backed away slightly more, still sorting through the faded images in her head, figuring if this man was good or bad. Something inside told her he was good, but the memory of him killing was too strong just to forget. Ironic how that was when she couldn't figure anything out, she thought to herself. Coherent notions started compiling and she felt somewhat lucid since her first escapade back here, wherever here was. She knew life started before waking in the bed in the room where the doctor tended, but for her, it was the beginning. Remembering she was still standing in front of the four humans there, she slowly walked backwards, facing them the entire time, and into the side ward toward her bed. The doctor, she knew the word was his title, but was unsure what it meant, stood waiting beside the bed. Suddenly feeling very immature and, the term wouldn't come to her. Ignorance frustrated her as she sat down on the bed. She knew deep inside that she wasn't right, it was apparent from the beginning to her, but she didn't know how to fix herself. Anger welled up and she slammed her hand down on the bed.

The doctor hurried over, and said a few words. She couldn't decipher anything but the tone of concern in his voice. Unable to communicate what she was going through, she pulled away from him, lay down, and pulled the covers up over her shoulders to her neck, trying to block out the desperation filling every part inside of her. Closing her eyes, she tried to shut out the chaotic world around her, to escape to a place of safety, but it wouldn't come. She had no place to vanish into; the only place she knew was this hellhole. A shift of weight from one foot to the other drew her out of the covers.

The man from before stood there outside the doorway, the others still hovering in the background. The very large man seemed uncomfortable by it all, and she actually felt sorry for him, wanting to let him know she was ok and he didn't have to hang around. The heavy set man, he wasn't fit, but not fat, had a nervous tick that seemed familiar to her, but she couldn't place it. The woman with her kind eyes and smile that set ones at ease had a worried look of a mother. They were all listening to the hushed conversation of the doctor. But at the forefront, standing watch was the man that had terrified her from before. He grinned at her when he noticed her looking at them. Walking over, he stood near her bed. She watched every motion his hands made, before looking up into his face. He was saying something, and a feeling of ease came from staring at his face. Something was stirring in her memory that he would keep her safe.

John. That sound uttered itself in her mind over and over again. It was more than a title and she knew it meant him. She tried to say it again, but telling her tongue to grasp the sense of forming the syllables made her mouth feel full of fluff.

He put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently and reassuringly. He continued to talk to her, and she caught an expression that sent a shiver up her spine as it triggered an entire release of images and memories overloading her senses. She let out a moan as she pressed her temples, trying to slow the input process. He leaned down as the others rushed in, but she could barely acknowledge them.

Images of horrible creatures from her nightmare earlier came flashing by, along with one who looked different from the rest, more human. There were a lot of him and his face bursting into mind, haunting her with his scowl. Hands bound, feet immobilized, she was incapable of defending herself. Tubes, darkness, monsters lurking in shadows. Losing her strength, feeling changes, questions. Interrogation. He came at her with needles, many times. Scars and tears, her own screams plaguing herself, echoing in her mind.

Shouts brought her out of her almost hypnotic state and they were pulling her hands away from her face. Blood dripped off her fingertips, her blood drawn up by digging her nails into the sides of her head. Her whole body went rigid, fighting the restraining arms holding her down. She had to get away, had to flee from the one holding her captive.

"Easy, easy." that small word broke through the barrier built up in her mind, and she ceased struggling to stare up at the petrified faces above her.

"ok." she whispered back, not knowing what it meant, but as a knee jerk response.

"Sheppard." squawked McKay, his face finally matching a name that came floating into her mind. They communicated something amongst themselves that she could still not understand, but the hopelessness from before was waning. John held her hand tight, and asked her a question. Concentrating hard, she ran all the sounds through her mind.

"Do you understand me?" he asked again, "Try hard Kate."

Kate. Her identity was all bottled up with that simple word. A tear slipped down her cheek as mental pain tore her up, she couldn't handle it all. She just wanted sleep, sleep away all her troubles. Pulling aside from everyone, she shrugged down into the blankets, and watched as Dr. Beckett shooed them all away. By the time he turned around, she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Xxxx

They all stood there solemnly, trying to process what had just progressed in front of them moments ago.

"One moment, she's calm and seems like she's trying to remember, then she goes haywire and flips out, driving her nails into her skull. How are we ever supposed to repair that?" McKay complained, "I mean, she needs real help. More than you can provide." He nodded at Beckett.

"Aye, I don't know if anyone is qualified to fix Michael's messes, but she shouldn't go to earth, not yet. Not until we know what happened." Beckett countered.

"But you said yourself Doc, we might never know if she can't remember." Sheppard litigated.

"That response we just saw in there was her remembering, and whatever it was, it was traumatizing, which is what might be part of why this is being drawn out so long. Her mind is building walls to protect itself from the hurt it went through, but at the same time, it seems she..." the doctor trailed off as Dr. Weir entered the room.

"Meeting without me?" She chastised gently, but shooting a pointed look at Col. Sheppard that few missed.

"Sorry, we just left her to sleep. We did not have a chance to meet up with you yet." Teyla interjected before Sheppard could retort something snide.

"Any progress?" She raised her eyebrows with a look of optimism.

"She remembered his name." McKay jabbed his thumb in Sheppard's direction.

"She also said ok. For not understanding English, she sure got down the important stuff." John smirked over at McKay.

"I don't know why she remembered yours first, when we obviously spent more time together with her being my assistant and all. You barely even acknowledged her except to dismiss her." protested McKay

"Low, Rodney." growled back Sheppard.

"I'm sorry, but why..."

"Enough." Elizabeth broke in. "She's remembering?"

Beckett started, "Yes, and I think it's coming back fast. We'll have to be ready to give her the moral support to cope with all the trauma she went through."

"She shoved her nails in far enough to draw blood. She'll need some help from Dr. Heightmeyer, as soon as she can communicate anything." Sheppard concluded.

"What if she drew?" Ronon's gruff voice interrupted everyone and they all turned to look at him.

"Drew?" McKay's tone got slightly haughty.

"Yeah. Draw what she went through. All one would have to do is show her." He said, staring Rodney down, watching the scientist shrink away from him.

"I mean, we could always give it a try." agreed Weir, and gestured a dismissal.

Xxxx

He stood there; fully aware of his height imposing in the room, glancing over at the frail girl huddled in the blankets. He tried to shrink some of his bulk and had pulled back his dreadlocks to show some sort of domestication and tame his complexion. She looked intently at him, completely ignoring what the doctor was telling her. He wondered how much actually was ignorance; he knew he tuned out when too much talking went down. Must be why he and McKay didn't get along well.

"All right Ronon. Come over here." Beckett motioned with big gestures, she wasn't an idiot, Ronon thought gruffly, slightly annoyed with how everyone had been treating her. He stalked over, and she peered up at him with intense blue eyes and he knew then she didn't fear him. Feeling more at ease, he straightened slightly as he reached the stool at the edge of her bed. In his hand was a clip board, a sheet of white paper and a couple colored pencils. Drawing took him back to being a child on Sateda. Never one for many words, even before becoming a Runner, he loved to draw out his most memorable experiences. Maybe it would work for her. Sitting, he showed her the blank piece and then, taking one of the pencils, he clutched it in his hand and started drawing a figure standing next to a taller one. He pointed at the little one and then at her, and repeated it with himself and the larger one. She fingered the stick figures, and then looked back up at him. Her finger pointed at the one he had labeled her.

"Kate." she whispered.

"Yeah. That's you." he grumbled, trying not to sound so harsh or deep. She pointed at him. "Me? Ronon."

"Ronon." she repeated.

"Here. You try." he handed it over to her. She picked up the pencil in her right hand and a look of uncertainty crossed her face, then she switched hands. Drawing another figure, she pointed to it and said. "John." Then added his signature hair style on top.

"Yeah, Sheppard." Ronon watched as she started drawing another one, this one with longer hair. "Her? That's Teyla. Can I try another?" He asked, reaching for the pad. She willingly gave it to him, but never took her eyes off the page. "Here's McKay." He drew another with a frown on his face which brought a smile to hers. Deciding that he'd taken long enough, he looked hard at her, trying to catch her gaze. "Who hurt you?" She glanced at the door, then back at him. "Hurt?" he repeated, making a motion ever so slightly as a needle stabbing the arm. Her eyes widened with fear and she snatched the pencil back from him. Furiously drawing out a face, with the eyes of a Wraith, short hair and an evil glare, she turned the paper back to him. "Michael." Ronon growled. She licked her lips nervously, trying to sound it out.

Her voice caught as she said his name, "Michael."

"What did he do? How?" He motioned for her to continue on the paper, but she shoved it away.

"Tied. Me tied." she started, and then gestured needles poking her arm, and she started shivering. "Questions. Too many questions. About city."

"He asked about Atlantis?" Ronon was surprised how much she was actually speaking.

"Atlantis?"

"Here." Ronon pointed around and she sat there in her own private revelation. Feeling out of his place, he got up to leave and she grabbed hold of his forearm. It was that moment he realized just how delicate she was and how angry it made him that Michael had used so much of her up.

"Ronon." her gaze softened, coming back to the reality in front of her. "Thank you." she kept a tight grip on the clipboard. As he left, she flipped the paper over and started drawing more.

Once out of her room, he fell back into his typical stance, as Beckett and Weir approached him.

"That was incredible. She's..."

Ronon interrupted. "Sometimes words don't work." Then he stalked off. Sheppard caught sight of him near the cafeteria and jogged to catch up.

"Did it work?"

"She's talking. Knows who Michael is."

"That's great. Now, do you remember that planet a few months back we visited, it was uninhabited. McKay griped about the plant life that gave him a rash?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"A couple of scientists want to check it out and they need an escort. Weir wants us to go since we've already been. It'd be an easy deal; McKay's fingers are almost back to normal. You don't have to, but I was thinking with this whole deal with Kate, we haven't gone off-world in a while."

"You wanna leave her here?"

"Well, if Beckett says she can come, I bet it'd do her some good to be out in the fresh air. And she's seem to taken a liking to you." Sheppard slapped him on the shoulder.

Ronon grunted a monosyllabic response. "I'll get my stuff." He turned around and headed to his quarters.

Xxxx

Thank you for reading. More will be posted tomorrow :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Permanent Oblivion**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis. If I did, do you think it would be cancelled?**

**A/N: I am not a doctor, nor am I a psychologist. Xxxx means change in viewpoint. Please enjoy! (and review )**

Sheppard almost skipped back to the infirmary. He never liked staying still for too long, and his daily runs and sparring with Ronon and Teyla weren't cutting it. Now that Kate was on the mend, he needed to go do something. One problem fixed, on to the situation, though this one should go smoothly. He came into the infirmary, where Beckett was poking around one of his storage closets.

"Hey Doc. How's the girl?"

"Colonel. She's doing just peachy. Drawing up a storm, I might add. That Ronon, sharp one ain't he." Beckett's face glowed at the thought of his patient healing up right.

"Talking anymore?"

"Bursts here and there. She got off on something a few minutes ago. Now she's settling in for humming. I think it's twinkle twinkle little star." A big grin split across the doctor's face.

"So how's she physically?" John started his sly questioning.

"Doing quite nice. She actually could stay in her own room, but I like to keep her near for observation. Never know when a nasty memory might scare her half to death."

"Would fresh air do her any good?"

"Well, I'd keep her away from the docks. Never know if a wave might come up." Beckett answered; his head back in his work. "Why, do you want to take her around the city?"

"Actually," Sheppard's face got the impish look as he started his loaded question. "We've got this small off-world trip planned, nothing major, a couple of biologists wanting to check the plant life on a planet we've already visited."

"What?" Beckett pulled his head out of his inventorying and smacked it on a shelf. "She barely can talk, and you want to drag her through the stargate and off into who knows what could happen, away from the doctor, and the security of this facility?"

"When you put it like that, it sounds terrible. I just thought, some time with the team, off-world. Where we could have good times. Show her the ropes again."

"She's not a member of your team anymore. Rodney is more than ready to handle his work himself." Beckett argued as he put an ice pack on the growing lump on his head.

"She was a team member went it all went down. I just. I don't know. Make it up to her. Show her that our missions don't always end like that."

Beckett raised his brow in sarcasm, "Always, perhaps not. But a good portion of the time, one or more of ya all have to visit me. You wouldn't happen to be feeling guilty, Colonel?"

"It was on my watch. She's only 24. I'm the one to protect her. I just..." he paused, knowing he was not making any ground with this line of arguing.

"I understand. And perhaps it would do her good. I'll talk to Elizabeth about it. Is Teyla going?"

"I haven't asked yet, but I bet she will."

"Alright. Now get outta here, and let me do my work. I'll get her ready as soon as I get the ok."

Sheppard bolted out, and headed to find Teyla.

Xxxx

Images, words, sounds were coming back to her, but now she didn't feel the overwhelming pressure to sort it all at once. She just scribbled it out on paper. She even started remembering how to write, though messy. She had already written Atlantis, Kate, and the letter J. Papers were scattered everywhere as she started to make some order to it, memories matching on pages. The door slid open to reveal Beckett and Sheppard. She grinned as she realized she had remembered their names. Sheppard had a look of the canary eater, or, she couldn't remember the exact colloquialism.

Before Beckett could open his mouth, Sheppard spit out, "Wanna go off world?" She paused to process the words, and then nodded slowly, glancing at Beckett for approval and reassurance.

"Aye, Lassie. It's up to you."

"Ok." It was her favorite word at the moment. She knew she was slightly childish with her actions, and that bothered her a little.

"Then we have to get you all cleaned up."

A few hours later, scrubbed and cleaned, newly pressed Atlantis style clothes on, she was ready. Led by Teyla, she walked to the nearest transport, and entered it. Since her breakthrough, she had little fear of experiencing new things as long as the ones around her remained calm. They, for the moment, were her judges to what was safe and what was not, her full trust was in them. When the doors opened again, Sheppard and Ronon were waiting there, with McKay in the background yelling and carrying on, though he stopped when he saw her. A couple of other people she didn't recognize where there too, in the large room with a circle with water in the center of it. It looked like a big puddle on its side. She stared at it, trying to figure it out, when McKay dropped a box on his foot. Howls of pain startled her and she backed into Ronon, looking up at him as he smiled and put his hand reassuringly on her shoulder. Sheppard grinned and then looked up at the woman leaning over the balcony, who shouted, "Be careful." Elizabeth Weir. Kate remembered she was strong and had a commanding presence that intimidated her until the woman smiled, seeming as if she was everyone's best friend.

Ronon led her toward the giant puddle and Sheppard stood in front of her. "This'll be fun." He grinned, then stepped into the water and disappeared. She froze, unsure of what to make of it. This hadn't come back yet. Ronon coaxed her forward and she gingerly stepped through. In a millisecond she was through with her whole body tingling, but it was a familiar feeling, one she knew she had experienced before. Once everyone was through, it disengaged, and in her mind, several figures popped out. She needed paper. Sliding her pack off her shoulders she found the pad and pencil.

"Not yet. We've gotta make it to camp first." Sheppard said as he started off. She pulled it back up her back, and pursued him, till she was walking in step with him.

"Hi." she said.

"Hey. How's it so far?"

"Uh, ok."

"So, we already set up camp, but you can help cook dinner if you'd like." Sheppard glanced over at her.

"I'd like that." Kate felt slightly hot under the collar and she didn't understand why. The trees blocked out the majority of the light heating the planet. Feeling slightly thirsty, she pulled the bottle out of the side pocket of her pack. Sipping it, she felt the cool water trickle down her throat. Glancing around, she noticed they were taking a very slow pace. McKay was trailing the group, muttering complaints to himself. She eased up, to walk in time with him. He instantly turned redder in the face, and stuttered out a hello.

"Hi." She answered. "You McKay?"

"Yeah, that's me. Dr. McKay. Rodney's my first name. I am the……" he rambled on and on, and her comprehension quit about the third sentence into the conversation. She nodded politely, but kept her eyes on where she was going to put her feet, catching phrases like Atlantis, Earth, and Stargate. Ronon stopped to let them catch up, then he stood between her and the digressing scientist.

"Excuse me. You're interrupting our conversation." Snapped McKay.

"I think she's done." Ronon growled.

"Who made you her protector and guardian?"

"It's ok. Just wanna walk right now." She said, cutting into the argument.

"Oh." McKay conceded, letting her hike off ahead, leaving him to his huffing up the hill.

By the time they got to camp, it was reaching dusk, and she was getting tired. Setting down her pack, Teyla ended up taking it from her and setting it in one of the sleeping places, Kate couldn't remember what they were called. She sat down on the aptly placed log and watched as Sheppard built a fire. She knew she didn't like fire and didn't want to get near it, but that was where Sheppard was cooking dinner and she really did want to help. Inching closer to the flames, she knelt down next to him.

"What do I have to do?" she asked.

"Uh, do you want to hand me that bag over there?" He pointed to the brown pack he had been carrying up this whole time. As she reached out to grab the strap, she noticed the scientists were all unpacking fascinating devices and tweaking them and turning them on. She was torn between seeing what they were doing, and helping John. She handed the bag over to him and watched as he dug around in it for a funny looking tool that he took to the cans. She supposed the food was in that, and was satisfied she was right when he poured the contents into the pan.

"That is how you make campout dinner. Canned chili." He flashed her a grin. She smiled back. As everyone sat down to eat the simple meal, Rodney complained it wasn't enough and ended up pulling out one of his power bars.

"You could always hike back to the 'gate, it's only an hour walk." Sheppard said with a smirk.

"Yeah, and die on the way. I'm not going by myself. Besides, my feet hurt. I'm going to go lie down in the tent." He stormed off as soon as he finished.

"I believe I want to retire as well. It's going to be an early day tomorrow." Teyla stated as she stood.

"Oh, I see. I do the dishes too?" Sheppard grumbled.

Ronon replied, "If you made a better meal, I'd do the dishes."

"Hey, I was only trying to make it easy, we're heading back tomorrow. You can eat better there."

"I'll help."Kate said eagerly.

"You don't know what you're getting into, do you?" John sent her a look.

"It's ok, I want to help. I'm not ready to sleep yet." She said with a slight defensive tone.

"All right." John complied.

Ronon disappeared to find firewood and John led her away from the camp to get water.

"You see, we don't want to use up our drinking water, so we'll get some of this and boil it to kill all the germs or whatever is in it, then clean the dishes." He explained as he carried the bucket down to the creek side. As it got darker, the stars shown clearly in the night sky. She looked up in awe of the beauty when her foot caught on a root and she stumbled, falling down the path. John dropped the bucket and helped her up. She started laughing as soon as she was back on her feet.

"It's not that funny. Are you alright?" he sat her down, kneeling in front of her to check her over for scrapes and cuts.

"I'm fine." She said once she caught her breath, "I just feel silly, tripping like that." She looked into his face as the shadows of his light caught his rugged features. A feeling came over her, and she leaned forward to touch his lips with hers. Kissing him ever so slightly, John pulled away as she realized what she was doing. He rubbed the back of his neck as she sat back. Silence hung between them.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I don't know…"

He broke in, "I am. I mean, you're a great girl, but…"

She stopped him with a raise of her hand, feeling more lucid then she had in days. "Don't worry. It was a sudden impulse, won't do it again." She answered his hesitating comments.

Sheppard became distant, but then he started, "I don't know if you'll understand me, but certainly try." His tone of voice was starting to scare her. "You are a pretty, intelligent young woman. You've had some hardship in your life, but overcome a lot of it. Now you are dealing with this loss of memory, but your courage in overcoming it is inspiring. You don't give up. And I don't ever want you to. But right now," he paused. "Right now you are very vulnerable, and experiencing everything for the first time. I don't want any man to take advantage of it, not even myself."

She sat there, realizing the meaning he had with those words and felt her cheeks heat up. "I uh, I understand, and I'm sorry."

"Let's get some water, shall we?" he changed the subject and held out his hand to help her up.

She followed him the rest of the way, but remained silent the rest of the way there and back. Distracted by her inward thoughts, she barely remembered what he was telling her to do with the water, but once he was done with the dishes, she slipped away to her tent. Contemplation wasn't something she had liked to do lately, but now she knew enough about the language, enough about herself, she felt she was almost right again. It would take a long time to get back to where she was, but she had begun to have some confidence about herself again. The whole episode with Sheppard made her feel foolish and naïve, like three steps backwards up the mountain she had been climbing for so long.

Slipping out of her tent, knowing everyone else was asleep; she put her shoes on and left. Strolling in the dark, her eyes adjusting to the lack of light, she breathed in the crisp night air. Running through what she remembered, she knew about earth, about Atlantis, the Ancients. The details of her job still escaped her, but the wall blocking the memories had all but corroded. A rustle in the bushes caught her attention. She headed over to it, and peered through the leaves. It was a small fowl, sitting on a nest of eggs. She didn't know the species, but did think it reminded her of a sparrow. It was small, its head tilted up at her but it didn't seem afraid. Studying how it moved and reacted to the settling sounds of the forest fascinated her.

A sound behind her spun her around. Something was standing in the shadows, with a light source. She headed slowly toward it, keeping behind trees and protection. The light started to get brighter and brighter but it didn't seem to move. Pain exploded in her head and she crumpled to the ground, unable to see. The brightness was blinding her. She couldn't tell where she was anymore, if she was alone. Waves of nausea hit as the pain intensified even more. Moans escaped her mouth, and they became steadily shriller. Voices surrounded her, familiar ones. She let out a loud cry of pain as big strong arms surrounded her, carrying her away.

"Can you hear me?" A voice said, but it was so faint, so far away. She couldn't summon the strength to answer. Every footstep the person carrying her took sent shockwaves rolling through her body, and she let out a whimper every time his foot hit the ground. Her hands that were gripping her head so tight were slowly easing their hold as complete exhaustion took over and she went completely limp.

Urgency filled the voices, and the man started moving even faster. She felt someone shake her to get her to wake, but she was slipping away and she knew it, welcomed it. It was less painful that way. The last thought she had was the kiss in the dark.

Xxxx

Thank you for reading. More will be posted tomorrow :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Permanent Oblivion**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis. If I did, do you think it would be cancelled?**

**A/N: I am not a doctor, nor am I a psychologist. Xxxx means change in viewpoint. Please enjoy! (and review )**

**Pre-read by JaimyX and Shastaabby (thank you for the great reviews)**

The scene playing out before Sheppard was familiar. Rushing into the infirmary, Ronon carrying Kate. Beckett racing over with all his medical stuff, McKay rambling in the back, Teyla soothing him. Weir striding down the hallway with that look on her face when things just went from bad to worse. Carson was already checking her vitals, she was still alive, barely.

He didn't know what had happened this time though. Nothing was apparent this time; she had disappeared off into the woods and then started screaming. When they found her, she was in a heap on the ground, sweat-soaked and barely breathing. Beckett snapped out orders and then chased out Sheppard and his team. Outside in the halls, he could do nothing. The waiting game was not something he liked playing. He ended up running down the corridor, running from everything, beating out his frustrations on the hard floors until he ended up in the sparring room. Finding a punching bag, he let loose all his anger that had bottled up since the mission first went off the rails. Her face crept into his mind, when she kissed him. She didn't know how bad he wanted to kiss back. Leaning against the wall, he slid down it till he was sitting, knees up in front of him. Ronon walked into the room and stood in front of him.

"You ok?" he asked gruffly.

"I am now." John said back, "How is she?"

"Beckett doesn't know what's wrong, but he said she's stabilized."

"I should go see her."

"Why?"

"Because, that's what leaders do, they're there for their team."

"Then why'd you run?"

"Because I would've probably ended up punching the wall. Why did Michael have to do this to her? To get back at us? What is his real plan?" That thought crept into his mind, it was almost too easy how they got her back.

"Don't know."

"What else do we know? Did he ever go back to that lab?" He started spinning a scenario out in his mind, and then stood up. "Something's wrong. I gotta go." Knowing that must've been the most cryptic message he could've given, he ran out of the room and back to the infirmary.

"Colonel, I just put her to bed, you doing ok?"

"Where is she?"

"She's back in her room, what's going on?" Beckett's voice rose with anxiousness. Sheppard just ran off toward to the room and slid open the door. The room was empty save for a mussed up bed. He spun to look at the startled doctor's face. His Scottish accent thickened, "Where'd she go? Where could she have possibly gone without my knowledge?"

"We gotta find her." Sheppard ran from the room, heading to Rodney's lab when the lights went out. "Hello?" he said into his intercom, but all he got back was crackle fuzz. Now sprinting, he raced down the hallway and almost ran into the very man he was looking for.

"What happened?" McKay sputtered.

"I don't know. I was coming to you to find out."

"It's like the generators was taken offline."

"Do you have a way to find Kate?"

"Isn't she with Carson?"

"No, she's gone. I'm going to go find Weir. You get the lights back on."

"Alright, but I should go to the control room, I'll come with you."

"Keep up." With that, Sheppard dashed off toward the nearest transport, but then thought better of it.

"No, you can use it, it's running off the back up, I have certain important things on its own separate lines." McKay shouted as he puffed up.

Stepping in it, he waited for Rodney to get in, and pushed for the control tower. Stepping out, he hurried off to find Weir. Seeing that there was light coming over the top of the balcony, he ran up the stairs three at a time and headed to the control room. She was there, asking everyone for explanations and getting frustrated with the lack of response.

"I think it's Kate." Sheppard said as soon as he entered the room.

"Why would you think that?" Weir asked as her eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

"It was too easy to get her back. I think she's Michael's Trojan horse."

"She isn't in the infirmary?"

"No, gone when I went to check."

"Then find her, we'll work on getting power back online. Zelenka believes the ZPM is unaffected so we still have shields. Before everything went dark, there was a Hive ship on the long range sensors on a course that would head them past us. It would be far enough out that we would be unaffected by it with the cloak up, but if she gets to it…" Weir paused.

"It's not good. Do we have any way of tracking her?" Sheppard asked.

"We do now." McKay yelled out joyously. "Turns out she didn't manually disconnect the Naqahdah generators, but wrote a code into a computer terminal. I wonder how she did that when she couldn't even remember how to talk."

"Doesn't matter, mobilize teams, we need to find Kate now. Arm only with stunners." Sheppard ordered into his comm.

Lorne responded over the radio, "Yes sir."

Weir sent Sheppard a look that conveyed a thought he didn't want to even ponder, but the commander in him knew he needed to. He touched his ear, "And small hand guns as a last resort."

"Copy that sir."

With that taken care of, he headed to the armory to grab a stunner himself. Teyla and Ronon were already there, Ronon had his gun out flicking it to stun. He felt nervousness settle in his stomach as he reached for a LSD.

"McKay. Do you have any idea where she is?"

"She's heading towards the power room. I think she might be trying to knock everything out." Mckay's voice sounded very distant through the comm. With that, the teams headed out. Sheppard motioned for them to go the long way, but he would lead his team the shortest distance there. Teyla and Ronon followed in suit.

Stunner in hand, once they were in the general vicinity, the colonel ordered radio silence, then entered the first passageway towards the ZPM room. He pulled out the LSD and saw one life-sign ahead of them blinking on it. Stealthily heading down the next hallway, the sign disappeared of his screen. He motioned for a halt, and then looked ahead. There was a thin film covering the entrance to the generator room, and it must have been blocking the signal.

"McKay." He whispered into the radio, "Where is she?"

"I, uh…"he paused and Sheppard could hear keys clacking in the background. "I don't know. One minute she's there, the next… gone."

"Big help. There seems to be a film covering the doorway, do you know what that could be?"

A long pause, then, "Crap. That would be… uh, what we've been studying how to mess up the LSD so we could fix any kinks the Wraith would throw up. She must've found it."

"Is it safe to walk through?"

"Yeah, it's like cellophane, nothing more."

"Ok, Sheppard out." He motioned for them to head forward. Stepping up to the entry he brushed down the plastic blocking the door. At that, the LSD started beeping erratically. She was right on top of them. Feeling a body come tackling down on him, knocking the breath out as he hit the ground, he rolled over to see her wrestle with Teyla and shooting her with her own stunner, then ripping it from Teyla's grasp and firing three times on Ronon who crumpled to the floor. Spinning around, she aimed it at Sheppard who barely had made it to a sitting position.

Her eyes were wild, with an almost undomesticated resolution in them, her stance aggressive. "Don't move." She said tersely. "Slid over your stunner."

John complied.

"Hand gun too." She snapped.

He hesitated as he took it out of the holster.

"Now." She yelled. "And your radio and knife."

He took it out of his ear, and slid the knife from its sheath. She promptly took the earpiece and put it in her ear, then picked up his Beretta and fired on the high window lining the room. It cracked and shattered in pieces, then Kate tossed all the extra weapons she couldn't carry out the hole she had created. A wry thought crossed his mind as she stuck Ronon's gun in her belt. Then she motioned for him to roll over. He faltered for a second and she fired another shot at the floor near him. He pulled back, and she was on top of him in a second pinning him to the floor, the barrel against his temple.

Her breaths were ragged as she sat on top of him, staring him in the eye. He saw no sign of Kate in the frenzied blue eyes, and he knew she really would kill him. Swallowing hard, he nodded slowly. Knowing he could easily overpower her, he knew he had to get the gun away from her. As she got off of him, he rolled slowly to his stomach. He stayed motionless as she pulled cuffs out of her pocket and handcuffed his hands together. Keeping the gun pressed firmly against his head, she reached down and unbuckled his belt, then slid it off. She then quickly tied his feet together and rolled him onto his back. Discomfort was felt from his wrists to his shoulders in the unnatural position they were in.

Leaving him, she deftly immobilized Teyla and Ronon, and then headed off to finish what she started. As soon as she had disappeared, Sheppard wrenched his feet free, and worked on getting his hands in front of him. Prying off his boots with his toes, he slid his wrists down and around in front of him. Looking for a weapon, then only one he could find was a knife hidden in Ronon's clothes. Grabbing it, he ran after her as quietly as he could. Entering the room with the ZPM, he saw her push the sequence to eject it. Knowing he had no time, he stepped out into the open.

"Stop, Kate." He commanded.

She spun around and fired at him. He ducked behind a desk as two bullets came towards him, barely missing him. He saw his opportunity to overpower her as she came walking ever so calmly to where he was hiding. Sneaking forward, using the shadows as his defense, he leapt out and past her to the ZPM where she had left the Teyla's berretta laying, then pivoted and faced her, weapon in hand. It was a standoff, with both parties aiming at each other's head.

"Kate, listen. You don't want to do this." He pleaded, but her glare remained impassive. "Kate." He snapped, hoping it would pull her out of whatever Michael had programmed her to do. She took a step forward, and he felt his finger on the trigger, the metal growing warm under his touch. He didn't want to do this. "Don't" he warned. She took another step closer, closing the gap between them, her hand on the gun trembling ever so slightly. He swallowed hard. Another step, and now they were 9 feet apart. He fired at the floor in front of her, and she hardly flinched. She inched closer, and he saw her finger tighten its grip.

He pulled the trigger.

She arched back from the bullet impacting her, and started firing wildly, bullets ricocheting around the room. He let off another couple rounds and she collapsed on the floor. He leapt forward, kicking the gun out of her hands as Lorne and his team came racing in from the other side. Sheppard ripped the ear piece from her and yelled into it, "Medic, we need a medic in the power room. Now!"

He pressed on the wounds, the wounds he inflicted, and looked at her face. Her eyes were half closed, but fluttered open as he touched her cheek.

"John?" her voice broke as she asked his name.

"Kate. You're going to be ok, you hear me? Ok." Sheppard looked up, "Where is he?" He yelled, then picked her up and carried her out of the room. No time for dressings, he hurried up to the transport and pushed the section of the city he wanted. "Beckett? I'm coming to you."

"John." She repeated. "What happened?"

"You were a ticking time bomb. Michael…" he paused as he saw her face pale even more. The doors opened and he started running to meet the doctors who were rushing out with the gurney.

"I remember." She mumbled, her words getting harder to discern.

He decided to keep her talking as he laid her down on the gurney. "Remember what?"

"How long I wanted to kiss you." Her face got a sort of dreamy look to it right before she slipped unconscious. Beckett apparently didn't hear her, but rushed her into the OR. Sheppard just stood back and watched as she was hurried away. In a daze, he just stood there until the other part of his team raced up, it was then when he snapped out of it.

"We heard what happened." Ronon stated bluntly.

"I didn't…" Sheppard paused and looked down at himself. His dark clothes hid the fact that blood covered everything, but not his hands; they were red with her blood. He wiped them off on the front of him, over and over again. Ronon grabbed him on the shoulder and gently shook him. "You had to."

"Otherwise the Wraith would've been knocking at our front door." Teyla added, and Sheppard nodded his head slowly, recovering his composure. Weir and McKay came out of the transporter and headed over to meet them.

"What happened?" Weir asked, "It seems I'm asking that a lot lately."

"I neutralized the threat." Sheppard responded, without looking her in the eye.

"You…"

"Yes, I shot her. She's in the OR right now. Beckett's trying to undo the damage I caused." He then caught eye contact with her.

McKay's face blanched and he looked as if he was about to throw up. "I need to go see if everything is working again. The, uh, the, the, the cloak never disengaged so Michael's plan failed. But uh... yeah, I'll be back in a little bit. Keep me updated?" he was still rambling on as he left.

Sheppard sighed, "I need to clean up. I'll be back as soon as I grab a change of clothes." He left his team standing there, feeling like a failure. He had promised to help her, and what did he end up doing? Shot the living hell out of her. Her falling before him was replaying over and over again in his head and he couldn't shake it. He entered his room and peeled off his clothes, throwing them into a heap in the corner of the room. He'd be content with never touching them again. In the bathroom, he turned the water on and stepped into it. It was ice cold, and took his breath away. He thought it to get hot, but it wouldn't, so he stood there in the freezing spray watching as the red ran off his hands and down the drain, then at his face in the mirror. Shaking his head at himself, he continued on with his shower.

Xxxx

Beckett sat at his desk 7 hours later, exhausted in every form possible, his head in his hands. He stared at the light in front of him, lost in thought. A single beep had him glancing at the monitor to his right. All her vitals were on there in detail telling him what her blood pressure, brainwaves, everything, was. He had done all he could to save her, but now only time could tell which way she would go.

Dr. Weir entered the room, her concern evident with the way she was clasping and unclasping her hands, fatigue weighing her face down.

"So how is she?" she asked.

"She lost massive amounts of blood with extensive internal bleeding. She lost consciousness before surgery even started, and now we're waiting to see if she'll even come out of the coma she slipped into about 3 hours into the surgery. How many times did Colonel Sheppard say he shot her?"

"3." She answered with a puzzled expression on her face.

"Well, we removed 4 bullets." He stated bluntly.

"Did she shoot herself?"

"I don't know how, but it appears she did."

"How did Michael…"

"Use her? I don't rightly know, but I believe it was severe hypnosis and brainwashing. Must've been what reset her mind, though all the information was right there. Even when you delete files on a computer, you can still recover them if you know how."

"Now you're sounding like McKay."

"Oh, Dear Lord, please don't say that." He said with the first smile of the day. "How's the colonel?" his expression turning serious again.

"He's coping. He nearly lost earlier; I'd never seen him so upset especially in front of his team."

"She let a revelation out to him right before we took her away."

"Which was?"

"She was in love with him." The words hung between them. Weir didn't seem to know what to say back.

The door slid open to reveal the very man they were talking about enter, his eyes concerned and worried. "How is she, Doc?"

"The same as when you asked me thirty minutes ago. She's been out of surgery nearly an hour, not enough time to…" he was interrupted by the monitor's sudden erratic beeping. Beckett ran from his seat, closely followed by Sheppard and Weir. A couple nurses on staff magically appeared to help them. The erratic beeps got replaced with the steady tone.

"Quick, get the defibrillator. Charge to 200." Beckett ordered, giving her manual CPR. One nurse went running for the crash cart, while the other one was pulling out the breathing tube and had a manual breather strapped to her face, giving her the precious oxygen to keep her alive. Once charged, Carson ripped back her hospital gown in order to start her heart back to life.

"Clear." Her whole body arched under the shock of the electric current, but the steady sound told it wasn't working.

In the corner paced a quickly paling Sheppard, but Beckett had to tune him out. Concentrate on saving the patient.

"Charge to 300." He directed. Listening for the machine to recharge. "Clear." Everybody stepped back. Her body thrashed back as the defibrillator sent electricity coursing through her. Still no response.

"Again. Clear." He paddled her again, no response, not even a blip. "Get them out of here." He yelled, "Again!" One of the nurses ushered them out, as he tried once more to save her, but still no response.

"Doctor." One of the nurses touched his arm as he went to try again. He paused to look at the pleading face of the woman and then at Kate.

"One more time. Clear." He prayed this time it would work, but as he glanced up at the monitor, time slowed as he realized he was fighting a battle that had already ended. "Turn it off." He instructed the nurse then glanced at his watch. "Time of death, 6:45am."

The nurses started removing the tubes and equipment as Beckett exited the room. He looked down, hating every moment of this. He was a healer and he had failed to heal. Doctors aren't ever equipped to tell the anxious ones waiting for the news on a dearly loved one. In this case, being a friend of everyone involved made it that much more difficult.

Sheppard already figured it out, before Beckett could say anything.

"Damn it!" He yelled, swinging his fist at the desk. Wood crunched as the Colonel's bones did, and Weir's hand went up to her mouth and for the first time since this whole expedition started Beckett thought she was going to cry.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "We tried everything we could."

Weir sank down into the chair as Sheppard stormed out of the room, clearly intent on doing something drastic. Beckett chased out after him, but Teyla stopped him, a tear slipping down her cheek. "Ronon's got him. Don't worry."

Beckett turned and went in to comfort Weir.

Xxxx

_Thank you for reading. The ending will be posted tomorrow... *sniff*  
_


	5. Chapter 5

**Permanent Oblivion**

He sat alone in the front seat of the dark sedan, nothing with him but his own steady breaths. He was in his dress blues, his cover on the seat next to him. He was parked in front of a simple country home in the middle of a small Oregon town. Taking in a deep breath, he opened the car door, grabbing his cover on the way out.

He put it on over his partially gelled hair, and shut the door with a firm hand, then started up the walkway. Little pansies lined the stone path up to the front steps of the small porch. The grass was growing in green this spring as birds flitted around in the crisp, fresh air. A child's shrill laugh came out of the house in front of him. He continued up the walkway, fingering the envelope in his hand.

Taking each step slowly, he felt like his collar was starting to choke him. Pulling on it, to loosen it slightly, he knocked on the front door. A young woman answered the door, apron on, flour dusting her face and hair.

"Hello?" her sweet voice asked with a big smile on her face.

"Hi, my name's Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. I'm from the United States Air Force. Is Devon Anderson at home?"

"Yes. He's my husband" Her face dipped slightly, "Come in." She stepped to the side, and he entered, taking off his hat, feeling out of place in the small room. "This way." She led him into the living room, where a small wood burning stove was lit and heating the room. A little girl sat in the center of the room, playing with her dolls. She turned when she heard her mother come back into the room. A man came out from the down the hallway and held out his hand.

"Devon Anderson. Pleased to meet you."

"John Sheppard." Grasping the proffered hand, he shook it heartily.

"He's from the Air Force." The wife spoke up.

"So I heard. What brings you to my house?" Devon asked, pleasantly enough, but with a protective tone of a father and husband.

"Is there somewhere we can speak privately?" Sheppard asked, not really wanting to break the news in front of everyone.

"Sure, let's step out onto the front porch." Devon opened the door and Sheppard followed him out. "What's going on?"

"It's about your sister, Kate."

"What happened? We knew she was recruited by the government on some top secret project. We haven't heard from her in a couple months. She was very regular in her monthly letters. We were worried something happened."

Swallowing hard, Sheppard started, "something did happen." Feeling his throat tighten up; he continued. "There was an accident, and I'm afraid your sister didn't make it."

The look went from apprehension to disbelief. "What? How?"

At this Sheppard had to look away. "There was a mishap with something one of the scientists was working on, and it ended up going haywire, and she was caught up in the after math. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss."

The man before him turned pale and tears sprang up in his eyes. "Little Kate." He whispered. "I thought that what she was going to do would be great for her."

"She got to see things she would never dream of before."

"Did you know her? Or are you just the messenger?" there was a hint of contempt in Devon's voice, and inwardly Sheppard cringed.

"I didn't get to know her till the last couple months, but she was a great girl. Very bright."

A look came onto the grieving brother's face. "Where you more than…"

"No."

The door creaked open, and the little girl came walking out. "Daddy, mommy says dinner's ready."

"Ok sweetheart, I'll be right it." His voice caught a little.

"I leave you to your family then." Sheppard handed him the envelope as he disengaged himself from the conversation, but Devon caught his arm before he left.

"Thank you for being the one to tell me." A tear slipped down the man's face as he turned to enter into his house. Sheppard jogged down the steps, then back to his car. He opened the door and tossed his hat in the passenger seat. Sitting down, he turned the key of the ignition. Sitting there with the engine running he saw the silhouettes through the curtains of the husband informing the wife, and her sitting on the couch. Sheppard could imagine her reaction, he knew how he did. He didn't come out of his room for days, angry at himself, angry at Michael, furious with the rest of the world. Teyla had been the first to dare enter his room and all she had done was sit down on the bed. He had yelled a bit, then sat down, withdrawing. She had said one sentence, then left, but that one statement meant more to him than anything. "Life brings heartbreak, but the best way to remember someone is to not let it keep you from all you are capable of." Those words replayed over and over in his head on the Daedalus ride from Atlantis, and he knew it to be true. He'd move on, never forget her, and one day he'd hunt down and find Michael. And make him pay.

He shifted the car into drive, and slowly made his way out of town. He started the long drive back to the SGC.

Xxxx

This is it! The end! Thank you for reading all along! Thank you for the many reviews!


End file.
